What the F*** Is In My Makeup Bag?

This weekend, I was upgraded to “VIB” status at Sephora. Apparently that means “Very Important Beauty Insider” and not “Very Intelligent Bitch” but I’m cool with being referred to as either, really. So what the hell does VIB mean? Do I get to cut the line at Chanel events? Will I be consulted for naming new NARS products? Because honestly, who doesn’t want to be the one who decides what shade of pink defines “Orgasm” or how black “Blackest Black” can really get?

Apparently, this new status does not mean any of those things, but it does mean that because I somehow have spent $350 at Sephora this year, I get a couple of discounts, a shiny metal card, trying new products early, seasonal gifts and….supposedly access to private events. What I really want to know is how did I, someone who can barely be bothered to do anything with her hair other than a messy topknot or match her socks spend THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS ON MAKEUP? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?

According to Sephora, I am a frickin’ expert with a beauty obsession, so it is my civic duty to share my (apparently extensive) product knowledge with you.

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This is my face, in case you were unfamiliar with the concept of the human that types the words that you are now reading. Today was a rare occasion in which I had more than 15 minutes to haul my ass out of bed and rush to work (not without stopping for iced coffee, because I am not a savage) because I stayed with my best friend Kathy, visiting from London (AGAIN STILL NEED TO GET FILM DEVELOPED, POST ON UK COMING SOON) at the W Union Square last night and had a bathroom all to myself instead of sharing with my 4 roommates, so I had time to make up. Seriously, getting ready for work is like the Hunger Games at my house, so the gift of hotel mirrors and lighting is honestly the best thing that could ever happen to me, or more specifically…my face.

Here’s a roundup of all of the things I smeared/drew/splattered on myself, courtesy of Sephora and my apparent addiction to online shopping or in-store “just browsing, thanks”:

1. Crème de Rose Smoothing Plumping Lip Balm – Christian Dior – $27

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Now, I’ve already got full lips, so this doesn’t matter much but…the plumping factor? Not really a thing. Maybe the balm just makes your lips look super smooth thus appearing at their healthiest and fullest, but it’s not a miracle *poof* of sorts. However, this balm is super hydrating and smells dope. Like the dopest rose you’ve ever sniffed, if it was more common for one to describe the scent of roses as “dope”. Forgive me, I work in streetwear. For $27, it’s a little steep…but if you’re willing to try it, you’ll definitely like the way it smells and feels. If you want your lips to be fuller, go the Kylie Jenner route (which is whatever you want to believe is really the case)

2. The POREfessional – Benefit – $10

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Love a good pun. Good thing the POREfessional works pretty well, or I’d be pissed that such a relevant pun was wasted on a dud product. Basically, I hate wearing skin makeup and can’t be bothered with the whole concealer-foundation-powder and other assorted components of other peoples’ routines. This little tube saves the day if you have pretty decent skin and just want to hide your pores, because unless you have a real-life Photoshop blur tool, YOU GOT VISIBLE PORES TOO. Use in conjunction with Agent Shine Zero for a more matte look; it’s super lightweight and seals the deal on any bit of oil (but it’s freezing here in NYC so I don’t always need it at the moment.)

3. Retractable Brow Pencil (Waterproof) – Sephora Collection – $13

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Y’all thing 2014 was the year of the booty, think again. Another feature is reigning as Queen “B”, and it’s BROWS. Cara D made sure of that. I’m really picky about eyebrows, because personally, I think a more natural and less filled brow looks better than a 3-inch thick drastic arch seen from a mile away (shout out Instagram for the reference material), because no one wants to look like a cartoon that just sat on something sharp. I digress. This pencil is nice because of the little brush on the end, so you can blend your pencil strokes and brush stray brows into place. Waterproof is chill for people who are active and sweat, like on the occasion that I chase after the hat blowing off my head or run down the steps to catch the subway (the extent of my physical activity most days.) I use Soft Charcoal and it comes in several shades for easy matching.

4. Everlasting Liquid Lipstick – Kat Von D – $19

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MIRACLE PRODUCT ALERT! I almost didn’t want to share this, because I wish to have the most fire lips in all the land but…it’s too good not to talk about. Big props to my roommate and fellow thrive-life blogger Lina, who copped a beautiful matte-orange-red color for me for my birthday (after I kept borrowing her MAC one, sorry) in the form of Kat Von D’s Studded Kiss Lipstick in Countess. Just noticed that their version of black lipstick is called SLAYER and I’m actually screaming at my desk right now. ANYWAY, I’ve never bought a Kat Von D product before but I think I can now declare my love for the entire line. This lip color goes on like a gloss and is super smooth, but quickly dries into a deep, brick red that I have been desperately searching for, and I have more red lipsticks than the average 20-something. For all you fellow spastic lip color appliers: it’s easy to color inside the lines with the gloss-style applicator but should you fail to do so, you can easily smudge it off with a tissue/your fingers before it dries. But hurry up and wash your hands, because this pigment STAYS intense. I didn’t notice the darker burgundy “Vampira” at the store, but I might cop that next because apparently I can’t have too many red lipsticks, okay?

5. Highliner Gel Eye Crayon– Marc Jacobs – $25 (Not in photo but typically used)

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I’m a little salty with Marc Jacobs at the moment for a number of different reasons. Fun fact: I was selected in the first few rounds of casting for their spring Marc by Marc Jacobs campaign. Less fun fact: never heard back, so I guess my modeling career will have to remain on my company’s Instagram account. (I’ll live.) More importantly: I used this product as part of my Halloween costume and after a few hours, my eyes were stinging and I wanted to die. Note: this was my face, in which the product was HEAVILY applied in conjunction with a little bit of costume makeup, which I tried to keep away from my eyelids.

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Moving to Scandinavia to join the Black Metal movement because I felt GREAT in this look. Used the pencil on the lips as well and it stayed really well and didn’t feel drying.

BUT NORMALLY, my day-to-day use of this eyeliner is much more minimal than corpse paint, and I’ve never had the burning issue before as I only really apply on the top lid. It tends to smudge a little bit even after a few hours of application, but it goes on smoothly and comes in a lot of nice colors. I like it, but I’m sure there’s a product that suits me better and costs a little less. STILL LOVE YOU, MJ.

I didn’t include my mascara because I didn’t get it at Sephora, but honestly most mascaras of similar price ranges seem to work the same to me. Plus this place always ends up giving you new mascara samples, so sign up for their email list and get a tiny fraction of your income back in the form of nice eyelashes. Unless you don’t like free stuff, which is unamerican, in which case, get the hell off my slice of the internet.

What the F*** Is In My Makeup Bag?

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