The Lazy* Person Who Loves Carbs’ Guide to Juice Cleanses

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Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t hate fruits and vegetables, but my favorite foods are the kind that consist of bread and cheese (usually both.) I try and incorporate lots of vegetables into dinner and have been making spinach and fruit smoothies in the morning, but when I decided to join my friend on a weekend getaway to Miami, I decided to give myself a little kick-in-the-butt to feel less shame wearing a bathing suit in January, also the most popular month for everyone ever to work out and eat right because HELLO, RESOLUTIONS.

*I shouldn’t say “lazy” because I went to the gym and occasionally attend fitness classes that can be fun, but in general my preferred winter activities are eating and not moving.

Note: juice cleanses are not cheap. But sites like Gilt City (which I use for EVERYTHING, sign up here) and Groupon usually have offers on these sorts of things, and I found a 3-day option at Liquiteria for $79 that allowed me to still eat dinner during the cleanse called “Juice, Eat, Repeat.” I have tried other cleanses before: Master Cleanse in 2010, made it 4 days before realizing it was stupid and probably not healthy and BluePrint in 2012, where I could not finish all 6 juices for the 3 days that I did it because their green ones are too intense. This one was definitely the best-tasting and went the most smoothly as I didn’t want to barf or collapse.

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I pick up the first two days of juice on a Thursday morning at Liquiteria’s Union Square location. They hand me 8 bottles in a cute little blue reusable tote, and I check the order. Of course, the green juice with no fruit in it is the one you must drink first. Aka, the one that normally tastes like garbage water. I break the rules and have a sip of coconut water (4) first, because f authority. IT IS THE BEST COCONUT WATER I HAVE EVER TASTED THAT IS NOT DIRECTLY BEING SIPPED FROM AN ACTUAL COCONUT. Then I suck it up and go for “All Greens” and to my surprise, it’s fine. WAIT- there’s an aftertaste, I’m assuming from the parsley and celery, two things I don’t want in my juice. But it’s manageable, and I finish the rest of the juice and go to work.IMG_1158

I start on the next juice, another All Greens but this time, with apple. The apple eliminates the weird aftertaste and I’m very grateful because it’s the best tasting green juice I have ever had at this point. I’m a little hungry, but I try to ignore it and just drink a lot of water.

To cope with the sadness of not going to lunch with my coworkers, I go to the gym for a little bit on lunch break. I’m not famished or anything, so I do a pretty normal 30-minute workout and then go back to my office.

Back at my desk, I try the “Beets Me” juice, a pretty standard mix of beet, carrot, apple, lemon and ginger. Sweet, spicy, I’m fine with it, but as soon as it’s over I am ELATED to finish that coconut water. Then I get to go home and eat!

It’s recommended that one eats raw and clean when still juicing, but I make little chicken tacos before heading out to DJ at some bar. It’s also recommended you don’t drink alcohol while juicing, but I have a beer and half a whiskey ginger because having to be at a bar for hours sober and play music for drunk people is insufferable when completely sober.

The next morning I can definitely FEEL that I drank, although it was close to NOTHING. So the cleanse is working, but again: you’re not supposed to drink. Don’t drink. I had to. The end. You’re also not supposed to drink coffee, which was hard, but I did it.

The next day flies by, although I want to eat warm food because the heat in my office is broken. The holy coconut water gets me through the struggle.

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I take the day off from the gym and make seared scallops with cauliflower puree, roasted bacon and brussels sprouts which again, not raw, but again, I DON’T LIKE RULES. But I drink lots of water instead of beer and lay in bed all night. I start noticing that my nose is running, and no, I cannot go and catch it. Then I start sneezing a lot. Turns out getting cold symptoms while juicing is normal and has to do with your body withdrawing from whatever you put into it (in my case, caffeine) and is affected by the toxins that live inside you getting moved up and out. This is debated between many sources, but for the most part, I can definitely confirm the caffeine withdrawal being real, and get up early the next day to pick up the last juices.

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We meet again, friend. I shop around Union Square, then bring my juices home and go to the gym. Nose is still runny. I see a truck with a Carvel Ice Cream Cake on it that I stare at for my entire workout. Again, I have a lot of energy, but we’re in the home stretch and food is so close yet so far. I go home and finish the Beets Me juice before chugging the glorious coconut water and running around my house screaming “I’M DONE I MADE IT!” I consider making steak to celebrate, but then I go out and end up eating piergois. Not raw, not clean, but let a girl eat a boiled potato dumpling, alright?

The next day, my nose isn’t incredibly runny anymore. Science?

Things that suck about juicing:
-the food other people are eating smells better than anything you have ever experienced in your lifetime
-you don’t get to go to lunch with your coworkers, unless you are a masochist
-on the second day, you notice yourself sniffling and sneezing, which is supposed to be a good thing
-sometimes things that shouldn’t be in drinks are in drinks: PARSLEY
-you can’t (shouldn’t) drink
-you can’t eat pizza

Things that are great about juicing:
-you have a lot of energy, surprisingly enough
-you become more aware of what you put in your body and are more inclined to eat healthier and incorporate juices into your diet going forward
-you don’t have to buy/make that much food for however long you’re juicing
-most of the juices taste pretty good and you are getting nutrients from sources you may not normally eat (they’re good for you but who eats beets that often, honestly?)

So, for all the people who have successfully completed cleanses and did everything you were supposed to: great job, it’s not easy. For the rest of us who like to *modify* things to work with our schedules and lifestyles, you can still reap the benefits if you try hard enough. Hard enough means don’t eat a whole pizza to yourself and try to eat more vegetable based meals instead, even if they aren’t raw/vegan because most of us can’t be bothered with that (though it will allegedly make the cleanse more effective. ALLEGEDLY.)

Shouts to Liquiteria for making yummy juices that I hope to consume regularly, cleanse or not ❤

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The Lazy* Person Who Loves Carbs’ Guide to Juice Cleanses

What the F*** Is In My Makeup Bag?

This weekend, I was upgraded to “VIB” status at Sephora. Apparently that means “Very Important Beauty Insider” and not “Very Intelligent Bitch” but I’m cool with being referred to as either, really. So what the hell does VIB mean? Do I get to cut the line at Chanel events? Will I be consulted for naming new NARS products? Because honestly, who doesn’t want to be the one who decides what shade of pink defines “Orgasm” or how black “Blackest Black” can really get?

Apparently, this new status does not mean any of those things, but it does mean that because I somehow have spent $350 at Sephora this year, I get a couple of discounts, a shiny metal card, trying new products early, seasonal gifts and….supposedly access to private events. What I really want to know is how did I, someone who can barely be bothered to do anything with her hair other than a messy topknot or match her socks spend THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS ON MAKEUP? WHO THE HELL DO I THINK I AM?

According to Sephora, I am a frickin’ expert with a beauty obsession, so it is my civic duty to share my (apparently extensive) product knowledge with you.

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This is my face, in case you were unfamiliar with the concept of the human that types the words that you are now reading. Today was a rare occasion in which I had more than 15 minutes to haul my ass out of bed and rush to work (not without stopping for iced coffee, because I am not a savage) because I stayed with my best friend Kathy, visiting from London (AGAIN STILL NEED TO GET FILM DEVELOPED, POST ON UK COMING SOON) at the W Union Square last night and had a bathroom all to myself instead of sharing with my 4 roommates, so I had time to make up. Seriously, getting ready for work is like the Hunger Games at my house, so the gift of hotel mirrors and lighting is honestly the best thing that could ever happen to me, or more specifically…my face.

Here’s a roundup of all of the things I smeared/drew/splattered on myself, courtesy of Sephora and my apparent addiction to online shopping or in-store “just browsing, thanks”:

1. Crème de Rose Smoothing Plumping Lip Balm – Christian Dior – $27

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Now, I’ve already got full lips, so this doesn’t matter much but…the plumping factor? Not really a thing. Maybe the balm just makes your lips look super smooth thus appearing at their healthiest and fullest, but it’s not a miracle *poof* of sorts. However, this balm is super hydrating and smells dope. Like the dopest rose you’ve ever sniffed, if it was more common for one to describe the scent of roses as “dope”. Forgive me, I work in streetwear. For $27, it’s a little steep…but if you’re willing to try it, you’ll definitely like the way it smells and feels. If you want your lips to be fuller, go the Kylie Jenner route (which is whatever you want to believe is really the case)

2. The POREfessional – Benefit – $10

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Love a good pun. Good thing the POREfessional works pretty well, or I’d be pissed that such a relevant pun was wasted on a dud product. Basically, I hate wearing skin makeup and can’t be bothered with the whole concealer-foundation-powder and other assorted components of other peoples’ routines. This little tube saves the day if you have pretty decent skin and just want to hide your pores, because unless you have a real-life Photoshop blur tool, YOU GOT VISIBLE PORES TOO. Use in conjunction with Agent Shine Zero for a more matte look; it’s super lightweight and seals the deal on any bit of oil (but it’s freezing here in NYC so I don’t always need it at the moment.)

3. Retractable Brow Pencil (Waterproof) – Sephora Collection – $13

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Y’all thing 2014 was the year of the booty, think again. Another feature is reigning as Queen “B”, and it’s BROWS. Cara D made sure of that. I’m really picky about eyebrows, because personally, I think a more natural and less filled brow looks better than a 3-inch thick drastic arch seen from a mile away (shout out Instagram for the reference material), because no one wants to look like a cartoon that just sat on something sharp. I digress. This pencil is nice because of the little brush on the end, so you can blend your pencil strokes and brush stray brows into place. Waterproof is chill for people who are active and sweat, like on the occasion that I chase after the hat blowing off my head or run down the steps to catch the subway (the extent of my physical activity most days.) I use Soft Charcoal and it comes in several shades for easy matching.

4. Everlasting Liquid Lipstick – Kat Von D – $19

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MIRACLE PRODUCT ALERT! I almost didn’t want to share this, because I wish to have the most fire lips in all the land but…it’s too good not to talk about. Big props to my roommate and fellow thrive-life blogger Lina, who copped a beautiful matte-orange-red color for me for my birthday (after I kept borrowing her MAC one, sorry) in the form of Kat Von D’s Studded Kiss Lipstick in Countess. Just noticed that their version of black lipstick is called SLAYER and I’m actually screaming at my desk right now. ANYWAY, I’ve never bought a Kat Von D product before but I think I can now declare my love for the entire line. This lip color goes on like a gloss and is super smooth, but quickly dries into a deep, brick red that I have been desperately searching for, and I have more red lipsticks than the average 20-something. For all you fellow spastic lip color appliers: it’s easy to color inside the lines with the gloss-style applicator but should you fail to do so, you can easily smudge it off with a tissue/your fingers before it dries. But hurry up and wash your hands, because this pigment STAYS intense. I didn’t notice the darker burgundy “Vampira” at the store, but I might cop that next because apparently I can’t have too many red lipsticks, okay?

5. Highliner Gel Eye Crayon– Marc Jacobs – $25 (Not in photo but typically used)

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I’m a little salty with Marc Jacobs at the moment for a number of different reasons. Fun fact: I was selected in the first few rounds of casting for their spring Marc by Marc Jacobs campaign. Less fun fact: never heard back, so I guess my modeling career will have to remain on my company’s Instagram account. (I’ll live.) More importantly: I used this product as part of my Halloween costume and after a few hours, my eyes were stinging and I wanted to die. Note: this was my face, in which the product was HEAVILY applied in conjunction with a little bit of costume makeup, which I tried to keep away from my eyelids.

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Moving to Scandinavia to join the Black Metal movement because I felt GREAT in this look. Used the pencil on the lips as well and it stayed really well and didn’t feel drying.

BUT NORMALLY, my day-to-day use of this eyeliner is much more minimal than corpse paint, and I’ve never had the burning issue before as I only really apply on the top lid. It tends to smudge a little bit even after a few hours of application, but it goes on smoothly and comes in a lot of nice colors. I like it, but I’m sure there’s a product that suits me better and costs a little less. STILL LOVE YOU, MJ.

I didn’t include my mascara because I didn’t get it at Sephora, but honestly most mascaras of similar price ranges seem to work the same to me. Plus this place always ends up giving you new mascara samples, so sign up for their email list and get a tiny fraction of your income back in the form of nice eyelashes. Unless you don’t like free stuff, which is unamerican, in which case, get the hell off my slice of the internet.

What the F*** Is In My Makeup Bag?

Proper Etiquette for Disappointing Dining Experiences (and Other Horror Stories)

Last week was incredibly difficult for many reasons, but one common theme of each day was how bad the outcome of every single meal I had was. If you pay for something and you don’t like it, what do you do? Six-year old me had one solution: cry. Every time I went to McDonald’s and they forgot to take the fucking pickles and onions off their nasty little cheeseburgers, I cried because I was too scared to go back up to the register and tell them that I had asked for it plain because I didn’t want them to feel bad or awkward and I was just sad they didn’t listen to me in the first place. Sixteen-year old me, aka the vegetarian years, ran into a new set of problems. I cannot explain how many times I had ordered vegetable based dishes that were made incorrectly, and sometimes I’d be angry and other times I’d just feel helpless, like I had clearly specified and no one was listening to me, again. Twenty-three year old me is a little different, because now I’m at the point where I am spending my own money on meals and if I am shelling out the bucks for it, it better not make me miserable during and after the experience. I like going to different restaurants but am definitely a frequent fast-foodie, so I can handle almost anything. ALMOST.

My friends planned a group dinner at chain establishment Outback Steakhouse last Thursday, which on paper sounds absurd but honestly, are you really trying to bring ten people to Peter Luger’s and get wasted at the same time? C’mon. I was very excited to finally see everyone all at the same time, and we even titled the event “Baby Got Outback”, but mostly I was excited because I got to drink giant beers for $5 and watch some people be on their phones.

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The future of the night looked bright, as I thought I had the upper hand on my friends ordering cocktails that weren’t made to their liking. “I AM QUEEN OF THE BUDWEISERS!” I thought to myself. There were happy hour snacks for $4. We were getting progressively louder as the rest of the group arrived, and didn’t have to worry about getting kicked out. Everything seemed so promising. Even the coasters were inspirational.

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“No Rules, Just Right.” The validation from a line of copy that I probably wrote in college and some d-bag got paid for was real and effective. The main premise of excitement was how badly everyone wanted to try the “Bloomin’ Onion.” Expectation: a crispy, peel-away treat for all to be shared. Reality: crispy oil sponge. Fuck that. I should have taken a photo of it but instead I was chugging down another Big Bloke, which is what they called the big mugs of Bud. Sexist? Well, you can’t exactly call a drink a Big Bitch at a family establishment, so we’ll let this one slide. But I can say with confidence that I ingested more Big Blokes than the other blokes at the table, so there.

So, chain restaurants. You spend more money than you’d like on a portion that is usually more than you would ever desire to eat. But you usually have an expectation that isn’t ever too far from the mark, so even non-tourists in urban areas may have found themselves in one at some time or another, ironically or not. My roommate and I decide to both order the Filet Mignon & Lobster Tail special, because it costs 7 more dollars than the regular meal and we’re already going to be bitter about the money so, as a wise Canadian once said, YOLO. After the food arrives and I eat about half the plate, I feel sick. Now, there are several factors that should be considered:

A). I ate a stupid oily fried onion.

B). I drank a decently large volume of beer.

C). I ordered seafood at a chain restaurant.

D). I took antibiotics at some point earlier, which I don’t really know if that matters if this was a scientific experiment, you bet it would count.

Five minutes later, while everyone still has like, 20% of their meal left, I am in the bathroom shaking and saying goodbye to the dinner I haven’t even paid for yet. I come back to the table and my friend asks me if I have sent the lobster back to the ocean. Oh, yes. Yes I have. Now that the entire contents of my stomach are gone, reality sinks in and we get the bill. So, now I have to pay for a meal that stayed in my body for about 10 minutes before I involuntarily rejected ALL OF IT. Can I say it made me want to die?  How much can you call the restaurant responsible for, and how much is your own damn fault? Shortly after, another one of my roommates gets sick too, and she barely drank at all, so I come to the conclusion that we both have more sensitive stomachs than everyone else and that I should have been more cautious about ordering things that were more than a plate of hot garbage. I start getting really anxious, and then think about how our waiter was super nice and dealt with a group of loud 20-somethings and dejectedly put my credit card down. Here is a guide so you don’t hate your life every time you go out to dinner.

PRO TIPS:

  • Don’t cry like six-year old me. Mistakes happen, restaurants are usually more than happy to fix your plate. If they don’t, then they will fear you revenge-Yelping or decreasing tips. But don’t be a shithead and eat half of it before you decide it’s not what you want.
  • If you have a food allergy or sensitivity, dietary lifestyle, etc. ask for more info beforehand or be super specific. Also, some wait staff will be completely bullshitting, so if it’s serious, drive that point home or make them go talk to the chefs.
  • If you get food poisoning, you should notify the establishment, just so they can remind their people about food safety, you could be helping someone else. And maybe they’ll feel bad for you and send some free stuff your way.
  • If you just made dumb order choices and none of the above apply, suck it up and deal with it. Better luck next time.
  • Have to throw up? GO. Immediately. Some people think it’s rude, but it’s more rude to hold it in and then projectile your mistakes at the table or on the way out.
  • Choose wisely between drinks and food: one has to be your main bitch and the other is your side piece. Any snack is awesome when you’ve had a few drinks and usually cheaper and a well-paired drink should compliment a meal rather than be in a marathon race with it.
  • Don’t eat a Bloomin’ Onion. LIKE, EVER. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL FRIED ONIONS, PROMISE ME YOU WON’T.
Proper Etiquette for Disappointing Dining Experiences (and Other Horror Stories)