A couple of years ago, an episode of Wife Swap took the internet by storm with the little superstar, King Curtis. While he was undoubtedly a bratty shithead, he was right about two things:
1. “Bacon is good for me.”
2. “I’m on another team: havin’ fun.”
Valentine’s Day creeps up on us all, stressing singles and couples alike. Single people feel like they are supposed to be with someone and will be annoyed by literally everyone in a relationship; couples feel pressure to spend money and create/receive an experience that’s all based on standards set by society, etc. etc. LIKE OKAY I JUST BOUGHT ALL THESE PEOPLE PRESENTS TO SHOW THEM I LOVE THEM AND NOW I HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN, ALTHOUGH I’VE SPENT TOO MUCH MONEY IN THE PAST MONTH BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE GOOD SALES HAPPEN IN JANUARY.
Children give each other candy and dope ass cards with Transformers and Spongebob on them, but as adults, the fun kind of goes out the window unless you’re prepared, or unless you truly do not give a shit.
If you give even the littlest semblance of a shit, here’s a couple of ideas that involve having a lot of fun, stress-free, bacon optional.
If You’re Bougie
Congratulations, you have nice taste, and likely, more money than the rest of us. If you fall into this category, you have all the options in the world but also- many of these options are booked, and let’s face it: fancy ass dinner and flowers can happen whenever if you “got it like that.” Impress your date with tickets to the Hayden Planetarium’s “Romance Under The Stars”
Edit: looks like this sold out, guess you’ll have to settle for craning your neck upwards on a rooftop. Or go to the planetarium earlier in the day, before your nice dinner? Better luck next time!
If You’ve Got a Little To Spend And You’re Kind Of Weird
Nothing says “I love you” like “hey, let’s play with Rhinoceros Beetles and make them do funny things.” Seriously, if you can tell a friend or your significant other “I wanna play with beetles, I’ve got great plans for them” and they don’t raise an eyebrow, you’ve got it good. AND, you get a gift to take home with you. Nothing is more timeless than a shadowbox containing a bug you style with props on Valentine’s Day.
If You’re Ballin’ On A Budget and Like Boobs
Champagne & Dinner @ Boobie Trap, $15-40
Bushwick boob-enthusiasts are offering a bottle of champagne for two at $15. Two straws for you and whoever you’d like to share it with. Add dinner to the mix and it’s $40 total. And you thought you couldn’t impress someone for under $50.
If you haven’t already been to the Museum of Sex, you may not know that it’s not really a tacky tourist trap. If you have been, you know that there’s multiple interesting and informative exhibits running. If you have been recently, you have participated in the Funland exhibit thus you have jumped in the boob bounce castle. BOOB BOUNCE CASTLE. That is all. Treatments aka “aphrodisiac” shots of vodka and other things are available for purchase, as well as spa kits etc. (yeah whatever I’m here for the boob bounce castle.)
If You Couldn’t Make This Year a Getaway
Yes, we all would prefer a round-trip flight to Mexico/Costa Rica/anywhere in the world that isn’t covered in ice but, it just wasn’t in the cards this year. Head to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens to look at pretty plants that thrive in the warmer regions of the world, and thrive with them. Do it for the Instagrams. Also, there’s a cafe on site, so kill two birds–er, plants–with one stone and snack amongst the scenery.
If You’re a Human
Um, hello: PUPPIES! Puppies RUNNING!
If You’re Really Feelin’ Yourself
Pure Barre, a popular workout that normally runs at $33 a pop, is offering FREE classes on Valentine’s Day with the code “LOVEYOURBODY” And you should. Gift bags featuring products from various health-related sponsors will be distributed, but let’s be real: something that costs $33 for $1.48 (the tax of booking it online, but you may be able to book in person free of charge? Call them if $1.48 means that much to you) is the real selling point here. You can feel less guilt about eating all the cheese plates or pints of ice cream within reach if you have time to work out on this day. I’m going in the morning because the greatest gift I can give my boyfriend is not screaming “DOMMMMMM WAKE UPPPPP” on a Saturday morning as I usually am bouncing around at 10am and he likes to sleep til at least 2. Note: you will be sore the next day if you have not done this workout before, so be thankful Sunday is another day you may also sleep til 2.
If You’re Crafty and Seeking Bae
Missed Connections Valentine’s Day Party @ New York Transit Museum, $15 per Ticket
Attend this event in the hopes that the one you make eyes at on the subway is there, waiting for you to spell out your affection with train letters and numbers. I don’t know, I fucking hate the subway.
NOTE: This event has moved to Thursday, February 12th.
If You Couldn’t Give Less Of A Fuck
Good news: Netflix, Hulu, HBO Go, Grubhub and Seamless will always be there for you. Schedule a date with one or all of them and your couch/bed.
These are all events and activities for fun-lovers, regardless of whether or not you have a fun lover. That was a corny pun, so consider it my loving gift to all of you.